Sunday night. Monday morning is looming. Cooked our first roast dinner in our new home today. The twins ran me ragged. We went to the park (thank goodness there is a great park close by) I was so keen to just get them out that I didn't really spend too much time on my appearance before we left. Ok, if i'm honest, I didn't spend any time on my appearence and didn't actually have a clue how I looked before we left.
I had even forgotten to brush my teeth in between chasing Nathan around removing a never ending supply of brightly coloured crayons from his little fingers and Beth's obsession with removing her clothes every time I managed to get her dressed.
I started to get a rough idea of how I was looking when I started to receive odd looks from the other parents in the park. Looks that then turned into friendly nods once I had caught them looking at me. I started by untucking the left side of my skirt from inside my knickers and finished by removing the pink piece of play dough from my hair. There, all tidy!
Oh my God, I felt like such a wreck. I felt a wreck, looked a wreck and I miss who I used to be.. smart, attractive and in control. Hey! I was a SAC! Smart, Attractive and in Control! But today I felt more like a black sack!
Saturday 19 March 2011
Monday 14 March 2011
Home
The twins came home today. Home. Home to me. They didn't come home to their mum and dad. They came home to just their mum. Me. A single Mum.
They were thrilled with their room, really excited. I felt really bad that I can't afford somewhere with 3 bedrooms so they can each have their own room. I showed them round. It was so very cute that they were so excited by the fact that we now have a balcony! I felt really bad that they no longer have a garden. Thankfully, at 5 years old, they are far too young to know how bad mummy feels about so much. Thankfully, at 29 years old, I am old enough to know that, hopefully soon, I will stop feeling so bad about everything.
I was hoping Kate would be able to stay until after the twins were in bed, and we would have had a good old natter over the bottle of wine I had replaced yesterday for when she brought the twins home, but she had to go to work.
The twins were so tired that they were in bed extra early. That should have been really great. But it wasn't. Kate had gone, and now, with the twins asleep, I felt very, very alone. The realisation that I am now solely responsible for those two sleeping babes was overwhelming.
Tomorrow, I will pop out to replace the pretty box of tissues, the bottle of wine and the twins monthly supply of chocolate. Again.
They were thrilled with their room, really excited. I felt really bad that I can't afford somewhere with 3 bedrooms so they can each have their own room. I showed them round. It was so very cute that they were so excited by the fact that we now have a balcony! I felt really bad that they no longer have a garden. Thankfully, at 5 years old, they are far too young to know how bad mummy feels about so much. Thankfully, at 29 years old, I am old enough to know that, hopefully soon, I will stop feeling so bad about everything.
I was hoping Kate would be able to stay until after the twins were in bed, and we would have had a good old natter over the bottle of wine I had replaced yesterday for when she brought the twins home, but she had to go to work.
The twins were so tired that they were in bed extra early. That should have been really great. But it wasn't. Kate had gone, and now, with the twins asleep, I felt very, very alone. The realisation that I am now solely responsible for those two sleeping babes was overwhelming.
Tomorrow, I will pop out to replace the pretty box of tissues, the bottle of wine and the twins monthly supply of chocolate. Again.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Replacements
The twins come home tomorrow. Kate is bringing them back after lunch. Their room is almost finished. I only have to put everything in it's right place and it's done.
The bunk beds chrome finish is gleaming smuggly in the morning sun, and looking at it now in all it's innocence, you would never believe that it fought me until 2am this morning before it finally gave in and let me win the battle to put it up.
The walls are a lovely shade of lilac. I thought that lilac was a good cross between pink for Bethany and blue for Nathan. I hope they think so too!
William phoned last night to see if I needed any help with getting the flat ready today. I wish he hadn't. I used every last tissue from the pretty box of tissues I had bought especially for the coffee table in the front room, you know, expensive tissues that are there because the box is pretty, not that they are there for people to blow noses on (or wipe away tears). I'll pop out sometime today to replace the tissues, oh and the bottle of wine I had bought for me and Kate to have tomorrow. Oh, and the twin's monthly supply of chocolate.
The bunk beds chrome finish is gleaming smuggly in the morning sun, and looking at it now in all it's innocence, you would never believe that it fought me until 2am this morning before it finally gave in and let me win the battle to put it up.
The walls are a lovely shade of lilac. I thought that lilac was a good cross between pink for Bethany and blue for Nathan. I hope they think so too!
William phoned last night to see if I needed any help with getting the flat ready today. I wish he hadn't. I used every last tissue from the pretty box of tissues I had bought especially for the coffee table in the front room, you know, expensive tissues that are there because the box is pretty, not that they are there for people to blow noses on (or wipe away tears). I'll pop out sometime today to replace the tissues, oh and the bottle of wine I had bought for me and Kate to have tomorrow. Oh, and the twin's monthly supply of chocolate.
Saturday 5 March 2011
Missing
Today I woke up in a really positive frame of mind and I just wanted to get on with the kids room. Shame it only lasted all of about thirty minutes until the postman came. He didn't do anything to upset me, he just put a postcard through my front door. It was just that this postcard was the same one that I had posted yesterday to a competition to win a holiday to florida. I had put the put the stamp on the side that had my address on it instead of the competition address! Maybe I hadn't been concentrating as much as I had thought... It had been that person with the 'your marriage is over' stick standing behind me again. I think I was daydreaming about winning the holiday so they hit me with the bloody stick. Only this time, I cried. I cried because in amongst all the unpacking boxes and enthusiasm for getting our new home ready, I missed William. I missed him so very much.
Thursday 3 March 2011
Realisations
Well, our new home is starting to come together. There's only about 25 boxes to unpack now! Something else that has just hit me, 'our' used to mean mine, William's and the twin's, but now 'our' means just mine and the twins.
The realisation of the fact that my marriage is over and I am about to go it alone as a single mum keeps hitting me at regular intervals throughout each day. It's like there is someone standing behind me, I can't see them, but they are holding a big 'your marriage is over' stick and when I am having a few minutes where I have temporarily got involved in something that has taken my mind off things, they whack me with it.
I'm grateful that I can concentrate on the twins room first as they are staying with Auntie Kate for a few days while I get the flat sorted. My sister Kate has been my rock through all this mess. She is 3 years older than me and is very protective. I know that if the person standing behind me with the 'your marriage is over' stick was real, Kate would, well, let's just say, I think that the stick might need surgically removing!
The realisation of the fact that my marriage is over and I am about to go it alone as a single mum keeps hitting me at regular intervals throughout each day. It's like there is someone standing behind me, I can't see them, but they are holding a big 'your marriage is over' stick and when I am having a few minutes where I have temporarily got involved in something that has taken my mind off things, they whack me with it.
I'm grateful that I can concentrate on the twins room first as they are staying with Auntie Kate for a few days while I get the flat sorted. My sister Kate has been my rock through all this mess. She is 3 years older than me and is very protective. I know that if the person standing behind me with the 'your marriage is over' stick was real, Kate would, well, let's just say, I think that the stick might need surgically removing!
Tuesday 1 March 2011
New beginnings.
Questions, questions, too many of them, all jumping around in my head. Could I have done anything else to save it? Could I have added anything else to it? Should I have tried again... just one more try, just one more attempt?
It sounds like I tried to make a cake and it sunk in the middle, doesn't it?
Actually, I tried to make a Marriage, and that sunk in the middle. My baking skills are actually quite good, I did a course on 'Improving your baking skills' when the twins were a year old. Back then, the quality of my cakes were all I had to worry about. Just a few years later, I needed an 'Improving your husband skills' course. Now, how big would the essay notes have been on that one!
It sounds like I tried to make a cake and it sunk in the middle, doesn't it?
Actually, I tried to make a Marriage, and that sunk in the middle. My baking skills are actually quite good, I did a course on 'Improving your baking skills' when the twins were a year old. Back then, the quality of my cakes were all I had to worry about. Just a few years later, I needed an 'Improving your husband skills' course. Now, how big would the essay notes have been on that one!
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